I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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