you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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