so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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