meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
