4 words: hood of his car
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize