onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
