1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
