Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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