i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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