I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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