also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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