my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
then he tried to convert me to islam
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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