I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
