I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
