i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
