Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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