allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
