It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
