and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
