she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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