He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
