my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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