What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
