trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
