She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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