I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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