I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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