I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You left your phone here
Wait...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
