your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
