I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
