I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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