Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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