Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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