I need help removing her.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
