So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
