No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
