You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize