i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
me + whiskey = a bad person
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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