Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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