and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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