We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
