her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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