you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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