Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I love you. Go after that dick
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
