Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
