you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
