I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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