Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
