I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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