Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
