Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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