I must be too annoying 4 u.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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