you didnt know i had herpes?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
