I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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