Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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