omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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