Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
