i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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