I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I would fuck him just for his dog
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
