my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
