So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
