We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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