Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
