Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i love accidental penises.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
the raccoons are back...
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